The Task of Sleep-Training

[This is not so much a reflection, so its going to be a very boring post unless you are sleep-training your baby too. Its more a note to self, for my own records and memories.]

I don’t think my parents were ever bothered by this thing called “sleep-training”. These days, my peers talk about sleep-training, and ask each other which technique works. After a short-lived period of baby Umar sleeping through the night, we tried to sleep-train Umar using the Hoggs method to some degree of success when he was 5 months, determined to help my little boy learn good sleeping habits, but abandoned all efforts after we went on holiday, cos Umar got upset with the unfamilar environment and demanded being nursed to sleep. That, coupled with my working-travelling-mother’s guilt, I gave in and eventually accepted night feedings as part of my life as a mommy. I took Umar to the bed with me from when he first wakes up for a feed at 3am, and keep him by my side till the sun comes up. I was quite happy for awhile, and in fact celebrated the fact that the middle-of-the-night nursings increased my milk supply.

But recently, I’ve been feeling VERY burned out. My little darling has been waking up every hour from 11pm onwards (he goes to bed at about 9.30pm). And I mean EVERY hour. Every time he woke up, he would cry and cry and went back to sleep only if I nurse him for all of 3 mins. Even though we co-sleep and I go back to sleep as soon as I latch him on, the fact remains that me and my little nursling have been getting poor sleep, and I have trouble being alert and productive during the day. Umar is a poor napper too, only taking two or three short 20min naps during the day. My poor helper… how she gets any work done at all is beyond me. I read that its his age… between 8 – 11 months, separation anxiety is at its peak, and his new-found mobility also makes it difficult for him to go back to sleep by himself. He reminds me of a cat now.. the moment he wakes up, he springs up on all fours, even with his eyes still closed. He no longer sleeps in his cot either, since we converted it to a playpen for safety reasons. The mattress is lowered now and he haaaaates it. I swear its a bad idea; with his separation anxiety, can you imagine how the world must look like from his point of view in that cot? It must seem lonely and everyone is so far away!

My own frustration with the hourly night feeds led to my decision to start sleep-training again. While some experts say I shouldn’t even bother at his age cos of the separation anxiety, I decided to try my own personal way. As they say, no single sleep strategy is effective with every baby — you’ll have to get to know your child, be flexible, and figure out what works for you. So I’m in the process of figuring it out.

I have decided two things (1) I want to wean him off night feedings to help him learn how to soothe himself to sleep and (2) I will abandon all efforts of putting him in the cot cos it just elevates his separation anxiety and makes him more irritable. So my “deal” with Umar is: “You get to sleep with Ibu on the bed, but no feeding to sleep.” I told him about this deal.. and I’d like to believe he understands me. Whether he cooperates or not is another story.

And I will tell you the story. The first night was horrible. I nursed him first, and then we did the usual routine of reading his favourite books. When the bedtime reading was over, he started trashing himself around me, which is his usual cue for nursing. I ignored it, and picked him up instead to rock him to sleep. When he realised he “wasn’t getting any” he started throwing a crying fit. No matter what I did, rock, zikr, sing… he just screamed his head off. At this point, my hardworking husband D, who was already asleep, told me to give it up. I refused to, and went over to my helper’s room to pass Umar to her, since I know he has learnt to associate me with nursing. He stopped screaming, but looked at me in confusion. I spoke to him gently saying that if he doesn’t want to sleep with Ibu, then he will sleep with Bibik. He was very quiet, and maybe a little confused, cos he never sleeps with Bibik unless Ibu is travelling.

My helper carried him around the house to rock him to sleep but he was still wide-eyed when I checked on him 30mins later. I asked him if he wanted to come back to sleep with Ibu.. and he held out his hand. I took him back to the room and started rocking him to sleep. The screaming and crying fit started again. By this time my husband has gotten up and is reading emails. I put Umar down on the empty bed and left him trashing around for 1 min while I stood and watched. Then I went to lie down beside him and he was quiet. He fussed and tried to sleep.. before the crying resumed and again he wanted to nurse. I got up and left him on the bed again. The cries escalated and I went back to him after a min (can’t stand the sound of him crying really!).. and he quietened immediately. He no longer looked for the breast… but was whimpering like saying “ok ok just stay here with me”. I patted and zikr-ed him to sleep. He slept through from 12 midnight (yes it was that late!) to 4am. That was the first night.

The second night was much better alhamdulillah. Again, after his last nursing and bedtime reading, I spoke to him gently, explaining that I want to help him learn how to fall asleep by himself, but both Ayah and Ibu will be right here sleeping next to him, so there’s no need to worry. He seems to understand better.. he trashed around the bed with his sleepy lolling head, but no tears. At some point, I gave him a few sips of water, which I always fnd helpful cos like adults, they get thirsty too, and its not always milk they want. He smiled after a drink, like a smile of relief.. I could read the “alhamdulillah!” in his eyes! Then he tried to nuzzle against me for nursing again but when I patted him with zikr instead he looked at me with a solemn face and crawled away around the bed again.. as if trying to comfort himself. Finally, he came back next to us to lie down, and he let me pat and zikr him to sleep. It took only an hour in all, compared to over 2hrs the night before. He slept from 10.30pm to 4am woooohooo!

The third night, last night, lasted even shorter. Only half hour! He nuzzled against me after his bedtime reading, but when I ignored and just patted him, he crawled around the bed, threw his little body on my tummy, then on Ayah’s tummy. Closed his eyes, tried to sleep, then got up on all fours again. He nuzzled against me repeatedly, trying to soothe himself to sleep… So manja! D and I just pretended to be asleep, and when he’s not looking, we smile at each other watching the antics of our 9 month old trying to find a comfortable position between us both. When he finally went to sleep at 10.30pm, we tucked him under the sheets between us, and he slept through to 3am… whee alhamdulillah, my smart little boy seems to getting the hang of it.. and is sleeping much better now. Pray this lasts!