There is hope yet! I’ve discovered the wordpress app on iPhone (the only way I go online these days, really) and this is my maiden post! I love how it allows me to post up photos so at the very least if I can chronicle random thoughts that photos sometimes trigger. And I can do it anywhere! So stay tuned and here’s my view on my bus ride to work It’s a beautiful morning mashaAllah!

6 month old baby Hafsa with the morning sun on her face, peeping through the lace curtain of my once bachelorette room at my parents’ place.

Who would have thought I would one day have a little girl to enjoy this room with? Definitely not me. Alhamdulillah for His many favors…

Feeling encouraged, I’m now more energised than ever in planning Umar’s “homeschool” activities. I have been recording some of these simple activities at home in a photo-journal on Facebook, and I do this cos (a) I’ve benefited from the generous sharing of other FB moms, and (b) this teaching thing doesn’t really come naturally nor easily to me. I’m definitely not qualified in this area so I hope to give reassurance to other clueless mothers like me that you don’t have to be qualified to be your child’s first teacher! Cos there’s just something about being a mother. I can’t quite explain it but this is coming from someone with no background in education and have zero patience/chemistry with young children until I had my own. I am amazed by how Allah has seeded in me this desire and confidence to create the home as my children’s first classroom, cos I’m the sort who refused to teach tuition to earn extra income as a teenager. This curiosity about what I can do at home, as a mother, developed because (a) I didn’t want memories of my early days with my children to just be filled with diaper changing and tiring nights and (b) I wanted to make sure my children receives the “hak” or rights that are beyond their physical and emotional needs, but also mental, and spiritual. I started reading up about “homeschooling” since Umar’s birth, and even after I returned to work, we would try to squeeze the evenings for some quality “homeschooling” time with Umar, finishing any activities that my helper didn’t get to do in the day. So now that I’m on maternity leave it has been really wonderful to get to play teacher full time! InshaAllah… may Allah keep me steadfast (istiqomah), especially in these crucial early years of the children’s development. I find myself continually motivated by these two quotes:

“By the age of three years old, your child will have developed at least 70% of their brain cells. Experts agree that the most critical time in the development of a child will be between birth and three years old, and it doesn’t take much money. The first five years of your child’s life are the most important years.”

And “In this time of extraordinary pressure, educational and social, perhaps a mothers first duty to her children is to secure for them a quiet and growing time, a full six years of passive receptive life, the waking part of it for the most part spent out in the fresh air.” Charlotte Mason.

The first quote urges me not to waste precious time, and make sure that my little baby/toddler’s days are filled up with productive and meaningful activities, and the second quote reaffirms what I have always believed, that a child’s development should not be rushed, and the child should be allowed to enjoy learning, listening, and observing, at his own pace, preferably a large part of that in the great outdoors! The difficulty is of course, striking a balance between these two, so if you are a clueless mom like me, here’s some tips to get you started on “homeschooling” your toddler. Its not rocket science, and there is a wealth of resources out there on the internet, and in some good books. Some of it is really common sense stuff, but oh we all know how sometimes common sense is not that common, so here goes, summarised in 4 simple tips!

Even snack time at home can be an opportunity for learning!

1. Involve them as you do your chores!
Chores take up a large part of my day, so I involve Umar in them! Mentally, it helps me too, cos I now approach my chores with more grace and love, to show a good example to Umar, so that he will learn this good work ethic as I go about my homemaking and housekeeping with a happy heart. I let Umar help me throw little trash into the bin, organise books and toys, and we also sing as we go about chore time and cleaning up rooms with the song: “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share.” Often tt cast such a happy mood over the work and gets Umar (and me!) smiling and chirpy. Other simple things that toddler Umar can help me with are setting the table (he arranges the placemats), making the bed (he helps smooth the covers) and doing the laundry (he sorts out Hafsa’s socks and carry folded laundry to the other room). He also helps me bake, simple tasks like rolling the dough, shaping cookies, or sprinkling the topping on a muffin!

Helping Ibu with the laundry - sorting our Adik's sock!

2. Read!
Never underestimate how much learning can be done just through reading together. I look up good children reading lists appropriate for toddlers, and build a little toddler library at home. Our libraries also have an excellent collection, as well as a wealth of resources for parents, including brochures, workshops etc. Also, reading does not have to be a sit down still event, some great toddler books allow lots of playacting, something my husband enjoy doing as I read aloud to Umar. Umar enjoys flashcards too (the interactive sort with pictures and conversation prompts) so they form part of our daily reading routine. I also try to create a print-rich environment at home (which reminds me, I need to replace the tattered words around the house with word created using my new super-teacher-mom laminator yeaaaay!) and we encourage Umar to “write” his name anywhere, in sand trays, with chalk on the cement floor, with paint on big sheets of paper. Umar has developed such a curiosity for words that he would stop in the middle of his tracks anywhere, everywhere, if he sees letters. If you see Rizal and Umar standing in a carpark staring at the ground, its cos Umar is reading out N O P A R K I N G. And oh, last weekend we were in ION Orchard he pointed to the word ION on the lift and said “Ibu, I.. O… N, lion!”. Hehe, close enough dearie

Umar would stop in his tracks whenever he sees any print. This was at a roadside viewpoint in Bali, where he spotted the (misspelled) word "WELLCOME"

We also try to tell simple stories from the Quran to develop the children’s connection to the Creator. There are some books out there suitable for very young children. Recently I started reading selected verses and using the series Favourite Tales from the Quran to tell the children about these verses.

Favourite Tales from the Quran by GoodwordKidz

Let nature be their playground

Umar and Ayah at our favourite park, the Botanic Gardens

We go out at least once a day, if not twice (morning and afternoon) for short walks aroun the neighbourhood, to the park, playground, or just anywhere safe. We are blessed with many patches of green in Singapore, which always attracts birds, so its never too difficult for me to find “nature” even in our built-up public housing estate. This morning Umar and I even stood still for what must have been at least 5 mins, watching two butterflies do a fluttery dance to a tune that I believe only Umar and I can hear. This was just a few blocks away from ours, where there is a lovely garden set up by the resident’s committee. At least once a week, we’d take a trip out to the pool, beach, or a park. We are blessed with so many lovely parks in Singapore! I love parks best cos I get a lot of “personal space” with my childrem, with no one else around to hear our conversations (hence no one to judge me for talking non-stop to 2 year old)… we talk about the flowers, trees, squirrels and birds that we we see, I let Umar touch the leaves and smell the flowers, and we talk about the senses that Allah has blessed us with. Even at home, there are little things you can do to nurture that closeness to the Creator; we water the plants, make leave rubbings and I’m keen on starting science experiments by growing things with Umar like beans in cotton wool. We follow the suns movements through our house during the day, and we have a little weather chart with a little arrow for Umar to move when appropriate. We point out the moon and stars from our bedroom window, and now whenever Umar steps out of the house in the evening, he will go “Moooooon, where are youuuuuuu?”

Weather chart made during one of Umar's play sessions with Hana

Make learning child’s play!
Read up on fun preschool activities that can help the all-round brain development of a child and nurture school readiness skills. Sure you can look up some great craft activities for toddlers and do one of these a day (I’m really hopeless at them by the way), but really, some of these activities you can do as you go about your day!

- Activities to develop fine motor skills eg threading beads or macaroni onto string, lacing activities, manipulating clothes pegs to pick up small objects
- Activities to stimulate gross motor skills and co-ordination eg asking your tot to imitate the movement of different animals: creep like a snake, waddle like a duck, hop like a rabbit etc.
- Preschool songs, nursery rhymes and music appreciation to develop auditory perception
- Activities to develop visual perception which are important for reading: one good example of something to incorporate during chore time is asking your tot to help sort out matching socks when you are doing laundry
- Activities to develop numeracy and mathematical concepts: children learn to recite numbers quite early, but it does not mean that they understand what the numbers mean, so it needs to be reinforced so that they learn that one number goes with one object when counting.
- Language building activities to develop linguistic skills eg nursery rhymes, phonetic awareness games, and of course, copious amounts of reading aloud together
- Activities to develop huruf hijaiyah recognition and nurture love for the Quran

And that’s it! Today I am looking up for easy-to-lug-along play ideas for Umar during our Phuket trip (we leave tomorrow!) without packing the entire house. No prizes for guessing the theme of the play activities…. Under the Sea! I’ll share when I come back but in the meantime, Farhan has some great ideas here! Please du’a for our safe and meaningful journey. May we grow closer to our Creator, and to each other, through the time spent on His beautiful islands. Yup we are going back to the same islands we went last year, Koh Racha and Koh Yao Noi, but this time with Hafsa, and an entourage of *ehem* babysitters. Hehe looking forward to it, gotta get back to packing now! I leave you wonderful mommies with a beautiful Arabic saying about motherhood..

The Arab poet Hafez Ibrahim said:
الأم مدرسة إذا أعددتها أعددت شعباً طيب الأعراق
“Al Ummu Madrasa… The mother is a school; if you prepare her (for motherhood), you’re preparing a people who are the best of nations.”

I always knew my fulltime motherhood days would be very brief, and for that reason I have kept myself very very busy, almost frantic, in an effort to fill this “free time” as best as possible with quality time with the children. In this frantic busy-ness, I’ve had little time to write. Its difficult to find time to compose anything longer than one-liners on FB lately. But like a wise mother (you know who you are Kak!) once said to me, a good parent is a parent who is always reflective of his/her parenting, and that’s precisely what this maternity leave have allowed me to do better than before, to slow down, pause for a moment, and reflect.

An afternoon at Lorong Halus Wetlands...

So I thought I’d share a bit on something we have been thinking and talking about recently. What prompted this reflection is that one of my biggest worries about returning back to work is how my helper would cope with caring for two children. Currently while I’m on maternity, Nik handles the housework and helps me with the children. Between us, we are exhausted (may I note here that I have newfound respect for mothers without help, you guys are the best). Now, for some reason, whenever I express this worry (about Nik coping with two children) to others, an-oft suggested solution is to send Umar to school, or better still, daycare. Of course, the decision of when and where to send a child to school is a personal parenting decision based on the unique needs of the child and the family, so while we respect the decision of other parents to send their children to daycare, we hope it something we will not have to do. He is only 2 and a half, and it aches my heart to even think about sending him, especially after he has been doing so well at home, playing and learning in a nurturing environment, taught by those he loves and loves him ie myself, hubby, Nik and my mother in law. But once I go back to work, I’m not sure Nik can keep up with the learning activities I plan for Umar with a newborn in the house. His physical needs of being clothed and fed would probably not be a problem, but the developmental needs may be neglected and my biggest fear is that he will be babysat by the TV (by the way, I love your post on screentime Farhan!) So yeah we are exploring the idea of sending him to a half-day programme, cos it may help to take him “off” my helper for a couple of hours a day. But urgh, really hate the idea of sending him to ‘school’ so early. They have many years of formal education to come I really see no hurry in sending them to school if they can be engaged in creative, purposeful play at home! But oops, I’ll write about our thoughts on this and school-hunting in a separate post, cos I think I am kinda straying from what I really want to write about in this post!

What I want to write about, really, is not about the school-hunting, but about what school-hunting for Umar has forced us to reflect on. As we go about reading pre-school brochures, talking to friends about their school-choices, and really asking ourselves what we are looking for in a school, we are forced to reflect on what, really, is the objective of our parenting? Many of us think of children as a blessing from Allah, but often forget that this same blessing is also a test from Allah. Not just a test of how children can distract us and make us forget Him, but also a test of how we raise them. What is the quality of the individual that we want to mould and raise? Why do we do what we do? Only when we answer this would it then be easier for us to make other parenting decisions, like what kind of home environment we want to create, what discipline style to adopt, what experiences (eg outings, travel) we want to expose our children to, and of course, what school institutions or educational programmes to send them to, to provide what the home, at some point, cannot.

So hubby and I talked, and talked. Everyone you ask will say we want our children to be “good” and “successful”, but what, in our minds, define these words, its hard to say. I’ve come to conclude that if we (me and my parenting partners ie hubby, helper, and anyone else involved in the care of your child) do not agree on the definition, it will be quite easy to go along with what everyone else is doing, and measure our child’s development against the ideals of others. If others want a smart child who knows how to read by age 1, so do we. If others want a strong child who can do gymnastics by age 2, then so do we. Especially in grade-obsessed Singapore, where very often we let the measure of our child’s worth be reduced to a PSLE aggregate. These are all good intents, of course they are, so no I’m not that I’m saying academic achievements are not important. Islam teaches us to strive for excellence, and that is what we must teach our children. But to what end and for what purpose? Do we know? Do we let our children know? The thing is, I can’t help but reflect, that surely, as Muslim parents, our objectives of parenting and child-raising, should, no strike that, MUST, be different. Our measure of what makes a successful person, MUST, be different. For what good is a person who is smart, but does not use his intellect in service of others, and the community? What good is a person who is strong, but uses his strength to oppress others?

So it seemed serendipitous that I picked up a book titled “Nurturing Eeman in Children” at a bookfair recently. I didn’t intend for this to be a book review, sorry if it sounds like one, but I felt compelled to share my reflections from the first couple of chapters of the book. Cos after reading a plethora of parenting books that covers every aspect of dealing with children, from discipline, to potty-training to introducing solids, I realised that if we don’t read and think about the very fundamental aspect of child-rearing, that of instilling in our children a strong connection to the Creator and a love for the Deen, we will completely MISS THE POINT.

So, what then, is the point? One of the premises of this book is that parenting, above all, is a tarbiyyah from Allah, cos people learn best when they teach others, and therefore in the course of nurturing eeman in our children and teaching them to be good Muslims, inshaAllah we will strive to strengthen our own, and be better Muslims. For me, that partly answers my question on the objective of parenting, which is to seek the pleasure of Allah, and be better servants in His eyes. The next part of the answer lies in how we “excel” in this test given by Allah, in the form of our responsibility as parents to nurture, rear and protect our children in this life, and focus on preparing them for the life to come. For success as a Muslim is not measured by intelligence, wealth, or position, but Allah will judge our children based on his/her sincere love and obedience to Allah and also his/her kindness, mercy and good character towards all people. Our objective, above all else, is to raise righteous, faithful Muslims, who are responsible, trustworthy, courageous, able to lead and influence others, and use his/her knowledge and skills in service of Allah and the community.. inshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah for the reminders, and I pray that He always bless me with this little reminders. When I teach the alphabets or play word-reading games with Umar, I pray He reminds me that it is not for the pride of raising an early reader, but to nurture in him a deep love for reading, the essential foundation for seeking knowledge. For “whoever follows a path in the pursuit of knowledge, Allaah will make a path to Paradise easy for him.” (Al-Bukhaari). When I do problem-solving activities with Umar, I pray He reminds me that these early tasks trains his mind to think and make decisions, for one day he will be a leader (in the family or community) whereon important decisions will lie on his shoulders. When I take Umar and Hafsa for nature walks or sit and watch the sunset with them on our travels, I pray He reminds me that we do these to instill in our young the love of, and curiousity about, His creations and natural science. For the Quran repeatedly asks us to observe the earth and the heavens, so that we may reflect, and build a stronger connection with our Creator. And when I praise/reward my child for a job well done, I pray He reminds me to tell them about the greater reward from Him, to constantly attach their hearts to Allah. I will say “May Allah reward you for helping Ibu clean up your toys” and “Allah loves you for sharing. When you share, Allah will give you more.”

May He always guide us in this humbling parenting journey. I leave you folks with the softcopy of the book Nurturing Eeman in Children, though I’d rather you also buy a hardcopy to support Islamic publishing houses. I got my (inexpensive) copy from Salaam Media. Enjoy, and reflect inshaAllah

So what’s cooking tonight? I’ll be making a simple grilled chicken salad with very light balsamic vinegar dressing, and a creamy butternut squash soup. Ok ok I know the cream is bad, but at least I’m leaving out the carbs, cos usually this soup calls for potatoes as well. I’ve tried this recipe before and I recall a hearty, spicy flavourful soup with a velvety texture. Yummm can’t wait!

Roasted Butternut Squash Soup

1 medium-sized squash (abt 600g, you can get from NTUC)
2 onions
1 big carrot or 2 small ones
1 leek
a stalk of celery
3 cloves of garlic
1 cube of chicken stock
2 tablespoons of heavy cream (I use Bulla Pure Cream from NTUC)
salt and pepper
a pinch of paprika

1. Before prepping the squash, pre-heat the oven at 400 F. Wash and cut the squash, place it in a baking sheet and season it with salt and pepper.
2. Roast the squash to enhance its sweetness and give the soup a more defined flavor. Leave the squash in the oven for about 40 minutes or until tender.
3. In the meantime, dice the onions, celery, carrot and leek and add them to the pot with garlic and olive oil. Cook for about 10 minutes. Season the ingredients again and add the roasted squash (after it cooled). Cook together for another 5 minutes and add the chicken stock.
4. Add the heavy cream. Let the ingredients come to a boil and cover the pot for about 10 minutes.
5. With a hand blender, puree the ingredients until desired texture. You can do so in parts with a normal blender as well but just be really careful of the hot liquid!

Pour the soup in a bowl, sprinkle with a bit of extra virgin olive oil and Italian parsley. Buon Appetito!

Like you, one of the things I was most worried about was how Umar would cope with sharing me and his Ayah. In particular, some people told me it was a bad idea that I was still breastfeeding Umar, and scared me that it would be more difficult for him to accept his sister (I will write about how tandem nursing another day, and how these people were wrong!) so before Hafsa was born, I already played out horrible scenes in my head; Umar blocking me from entering the room when the baby cries, kicking the baby when I am not looking, or throwing a tantrum whenever I have to nurse her. But alhamdulillah, my fears were unfounded. Umar has never done any of those things, and have shown no less but affection and care for his little sister, alhamdulillah. Perhaps it was the preparation that we did as parents; the endless talking and communicating, sharing with him every single moment leading up to Hafsa’s birth, ensuring he feels completely secure in our love for him that he can accept that there is lots of love to go around. Yes perhaps it was that. But watching Umar coo, hug and kiss his little sister, I’m also certain that it would not have been possible without Allah’s help. He is the Knower of all hearts and I can’t give enough thanks to Him for how much love He has placed in little Umar’s heart.

Adik, brace yourself for a kiss from Abang Umar!

Umar comforting Adik when she fusses after his wet kiss!

For me, it goes beyond simple reason, how such a young child can demonstrate so much love. Cos subhanAllah seeing how Umar welcomed Hafsa into his life like he has always known she would come, it makes me very reflective of the beauty of His love. It seems to be natural to Umar, being a big brother. One night when Hafsa was four days old, Umar woke up in the wee hours of the morning and looked over to me nursing Hafsa, who was fussy and crying. He came over to my side of the bed, and I was so worried that he would ask to nurse as well. Instead, he started to coo “Awww… Adik.. Don’t cry,” in his sleepy little voice. He kissed, hug Hafsa and went back to sleep. That first night, it brought tears to my eyes, and till today, he still comes over and comforts Hafsa if he is woken up by her cries, and once when he saw me changing her diapers, he even asked me, eyes half closed “Ibu, need help?”. May Allah bless his little heart, my little helper…

Awww, may you grow up to be the protector and defender of your little sister, the Ummah and the Deen, my little Umar! Ameen!

You asked for some pointers, so here they are, some things that we did to help Umar with the transition to being an Abang…

1.Read books about babies. We read books to Umar about babies coming into the family and talked with him about Adik in utero, to prime him for the baby’s arrival.

2. Minimise changes.We did not move Umar to another room for his bedtime eg sleeping with Bibik cos he might associate this new change with displacement. We decided he will continue to sleep with us. But if you need to make any bedtime changes that you feel necessary, do it at least 6 weeks before the new baby’s arrival.

3. Encourage regular contact with babies. I am blessed with lots of friends with newborns so Umar had plenty of practice. We taught him the concept “gentle” in touching babies, as well as other living things such as cats and plants. We also encouraged him to play with soft toys for him to practice being loving and gentle. Psst thank you Kakak Huda and Husna for sharing your soft toy cat with Umar!

4. Remind him that he was a baby too. We showed Umar baby pictures of himself, the attention he got and the gifts that he received when he was a new baby.

5. Buy a few special toys. I prepared a toy car gift for Umar before Hafsa’s birth. So when at the hospital and I received gifts for the baby and attention was being showered on the newborn, we gave him his toy car so he did not feel left out. I must say thank you as well to all my thoughtful family and friends who brought gifts for Umar when you came to visit. I was very touched!

6. Encourage him to help once the baby is born. Being helpful gives him a sense of competence. I will ask Umar to fetch a diaper for me, get a tissue paper to wipe Adik’s mouth, or take a visitor by the hand to show the new baby. When I have my reading sessions with Umar, I will also ask him to teach Adik, which he loves to do!

7. Show him the benefits of being a big boy. I prepare activities that Umar can do which separate him from the new baby, that gives him the message that he can do certain things because he is not a newborn. We do arts and craft, put simple puzzles together, and I involve him in simple household tasks like watering the plants, or cooking. I read that these activities would continue his excitement in his own growth and the things he can do now that he could not do as a baby.

8. Allow him to still be a baby. We were conscious of not robbing him of his own baby-toddlerhood. We continue to diaper him and put off potty training (for now) and offer him the breast when he is tired or sleepy. Till today, I realise that he still wants to play “baby” by being cuddled and cooed in my arms.

9. Expect moodiness. We read that we shouldn’t be alarmed if he seems more clingy or crabby than usual. Its just his need to express himself and see that his place in the family is still secure. With time and our understanding, the goal is for him to gain a sense of mastery (rather than jealousy) about his new role in the family.

10. Talk to him about Allah’s love. I tell Umar that Allah gave him and Adik cos Allah loves him and wants to give him something special. So he must love and care for Adik like Allah, Ibu and Ayah have cared for him. I try not to underestimate a child’s understanding of Allah’s love, and the effect that a child’s love for Allah can have on his behaviour. Toddlerhood can be a difficult, frustrating period, and helping Umar understand what are the things that Allah loves and he should do more of, like being gentle to Adik, learning (playing with his puzzles, flashcards and reading books with Ibu) have been helpful to reinforce and promote good behaviour. During difficult moments, frequent mention of Allah’s love to Umar also serves as a good reminder to Ibu herself that Allah loves her and that is why He is testing her so!

This was us on our first coffee and cake date since number two. Umar was fast asleep after his swim lesson, and Hafsa was nursing in a sling, leaving my hands free to hold D’s, while we had our quiet couple time. Alhamdulillah, over the weekend, Hafsa turned one month old. Hurrah! Its been quite a whirlwind and I hesitate to say the transition period is over, cos every day I’m still facing new challenges to overcome, new difficulties to work through. It has been quite a transition, but with Allah’s help we have been coping ok, taking each day at a time.

Generally every day is a good day, but of course there is always that one or two moments in the day that I feel like tearing my hair out, or running away from home! Its not easy to be so desired you know, ehem! Hafsa wants me to hold her all the time, and Umar wants me to sit with him and explain to him how the world works, all the time. Both wants a piece of me, and when hubby gets home, I don’t even ask him what he wants from me, I just make sure he gets his dinner pronto and I dump the kids with him so I can either go pee, get a shower or just simply lie down. The thing about caring for a toddler and newborn is that both demands your attention a whole lot, and while Umar has been such a loving big brother, he does “act out” when he realises that his own needs are not being met cos I’m busy with another little person. So he would seek my attention by doing what he knows would work, like jumping up and down on the bed when I have Hafsa on it by my side, which he knows makes me really really nervous. Some people have asked me if he has ever shown jealousy, but you know, I don’t think very young children are capable of such emotions, if they feel secure of your love for them. Of course there are moments when a loving pat from Umar would turn into a slap, or a pinch on her cheeks, but I attribute it to just playful affection and experimentation rather than jealousy. He just needs plenty of reminders to be gentle, and I never try to stop him from hugging or kissing Hafsa, even though it looks “dangerous” to some people.. I help him do it, by making sure his hands are not on her, or bringing her face closer to him to be kissed. Cos if I try to restrain him too much, he just gets upset and would never learn the gentle way to show his affection. But when he gets too excited and wants to playfully hit her in spite of our reminders, we “remove him from the situation”, with either parent distracting him with alternatives like toys or snacks. Its not always possible if you are caring for both children alone, so Umar’s playfulness and my own protectiveness of my newborn Hafsa is always the main trigger for me losing my cool in the day when hubby is not home.

So I learnt that you need to be very patient, attentive, and innovative when managing a toddler and a newborn on your own. You need lots of tools ie toys, books, flashcards – whatever he enjoys – all within reach. Not to mention you need lots and lots of humour in your pocket! Like Dr Sears says “Humor can defuse a willful child. It catches her off guard, sparking instant attention. You don’t have to be a brilliant comic: Simply putting a toy on your head as your child starts to protest can change the mood.” With that in mind, I try to turn every stressful situation with Umar into an opportunity for laughter, for eg by chasing him like a monster around the room when he tries to irritate Hafsa, or tickling him silly till he admits defeat. Its not always easy, but it always always works. Holding Hafsa in a sling helps keep me handsfree to do all these, at the same time keeping her high up away from Umar’s fast hands! My most favourite time of the day is of course, when they both take their nap! But this is a very rare occasion indeed, and only then do I get to blog like now!

Four weeks on, and I’m still slowly learning how to be mother to two. Alhamdulillah I am grateful for a helpful husband who understands the demands on me during the day and takes over without asking once he’s home. He hasn’t been able to take leave from work and even worked on Saturdays the past few weekends, but I’m grateful that in spite of being exhausted at the end of the work day, he helps out a great deal. My first two weeks of recovery from cesarean was really tough on me especially at nights, and I love D so much for helping me get through those rough nights. I also get lots of moral support from him in the form of a listening ear (I call him many times in the day!) and reassuring sms-es. The other help that I am very grateful for is my very able helper Nik, who takes care of the household so that I can focus all my attention on the children. Since Hafsa came into our lives, the housework seems to have doubled; the laundry, the entertaining of guests, the cleaning and more cleaning. I don’t know how mothers without help cope on their own, really salute you guys! I guess having your mother or other elders around would help, and that’s probably how our own parents coped with us. I don’t have that luxury though, with my mom across the causeway and my MIL still on contract teaching, but alhamdulillah Nik is a blessing and I tell myself Allah gives us all “help” in different forms. I try to handle both children on my own most of the day, but having someone to clean and cook and make sure the house is in order does make a world of difference. She also makes sure Umar gets his meals, and has been helping out with Hafsa’s baths as well, which gives me some quiet time with Umar in the morning, after a usually rough night. Now that I’m more mobile, I’m slowly taking over Hafsa’s baths, cos I believe that baths (and the baby massage that follows) provide such a precious bonding time for parent and child. I’ve been enjoying giving Umar his baths, at the same time teaching him to bathe by himself, one of the little steps of independence that I’m helping him take (thanks Kak Azlinah for the motivation!). Next on my list, taking over his meals and encouraging natural weaning ie eating by himself. We bought him his Thomas and Friends cutlery set last week. Oh my boy is growing too fast!

Hafsa on the beach at 3 weeks, while Ayah and Abang takes a swim!

Oops, that’s us breaking confinement Hehe. Depending on which makcik you ask, as of today, I may or not not be out of my confinement period. Some say a month, some 38 days, 40, 48, oh who cares! I’m quite conscientious about taking good care of my health (so I can care for the children), and I do appreciate the need to stay at home the first two weeks (doctor’s orders, cos that’s how long the surgery wound takes to heal externally) but beyond that I think mental health is important too. So if you feel a walk out with your baby and some fresh air would do you some good, I think you should do it! Alhamdulillah I have a very supportive husband, who appreciated my need to go out, and we have been taking short trips to my favourite places like Dempsey (for Umar’s swim class), the parks and the beach, a couple of hours each time. On weekdays, while Umar has his afternoon nap, I’d take a short walk out to the nearby mall to run errands and have a quiet cup of coffee or a slice of cake with Hafsa. She’s so good when we’re out anyway, a very contented little baby in the sling. The rocking movements as I walk probably reminds her of what it was like while she was in my tummy and I was very active with Umar!

Hafsa turning 4 weeks and already eyeing my Goldmine Cheesecake!

Now that we are a little more settled and I am almost fully recovered (I say almost cos the doc says wait 6 weeks before I can exercise!) I am easing into a new routine of being more active and out and about with my little bubs. Umar is a bundle of energy and to expect him to sit still at home is really unfair, so I have been taking him out to the playground or park or pool in the mornings like I used to, sometimes with Hafsa in a sling, but sometimes just us. Hafsa is taking the bottle well (I introduced at 4 weeks to prevent nipple confusion) and that gives me some one-on-one time with Umar, like we used to. I hope I can keep this up inshaAllah.. I am very wary of the fact that my SAHM days won’t last for ever and every day that passes is a day closer to going back to work fulltime. I’m cherishing being a full time mom, cos it gives me the opportunity to bond and really get to know my children; their needs, their temperaments, their mood swings. Apart from needing to be carried all the time, Hafsa is a very easy baby alhamdulillah. Umar on the other hand, is a typical two year old. This past month, I’m reminded that its not just me going through a transition, but so is Umar. At two years, Umar is a strong-willed and assertive little person, and this transition from babyhood to toddlerhood, and having a little sister on top of that, is probably not easy for him too. They say toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills, so I find that this time is also an opportunity for me to get to know myself, my weaknesses and my strengths as a parent; what I can do well, and where I need to improve.

Mothering a toddler has forced me to be more patient, calmer and more “zen”. I have been reading books and articles to help find the parenting style that I believe in, and that works for our family. Sometimes late at night when the children are asleep I read selected excerpts aloud to hubby, as we discuss how to raise confident, resilient and well-disciplined children with big, humble hearts…. with the help of Allah of course. Lately, we have been talking alot about discipline; how to set limits, how deal with Umar’s misbehavior, how to communicate better with him to help him manage the feelings of frustration that a toddler often feels. Dr Sears says that to know how to discipline your child you must first know your child. I found out that there is so much truth in this statement as I am able to handle Umar better the more time I spend playing with and teaching him. In his “The Discipline Book” Dr Sears also write about how wise disciplinarians spend time and energy keeping one step ahead of their child and setting conditions that promote good behavior, leaving fewer opportunities to misbehave. Its not always easy to do but when I find that when I do it, its works! It involves spending lots of time designing hands-on activities (I read lots of Montessori /home-schooling blogs) and being very attentive to Umar at all times of the day, but alhamdulillah after just a few weeks I can see a big change in him; he listens better and is more cooperative.

So you see how it has been such a wonderful time of learning? Alhamdulillah. May He always guide us to be reflective and help us to develop the patience and wisdom that we so need to be good parents. I leave you folks with this article titled No Bad Kids and a quote from “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” (yes this great book has a chapter on discipline titled “Discipline is Loving Guidance”), may these be helpful to other moms in my place!

Parents sometimes find it difficult to make the changeover from the total giving that a baby needs to the more active role of meeting the needs of a toddler. Over the years many of us had to unlearn some of the attitudes about discipline we had been raised with. We learned to relax a little, laugh a lot, and be incredibly quick on our feet.

A large part of mothering a toddler is helping him through the transition from babyhood, when his every wish was a real need, to later on, when he becomes and outward-looking youngster just starting to become aware of the needs of others. In the process he needs help in learning that not all his wants are needs, and in fact, some of them, if granted, would most surely not be good for him at all. As the infant becomes a toddler, parents need to begin to set limits.

While most people tend to respect the growth patters on the infant, the eighteen month old or two year old in another story. When little fingers reach for electrical outlets, coins go into mounts, and lamps are toppled over, parents face a new challenge. Of course, we can’t permit utter chaos in our home, or unrestricted freedom. But we need to recognise that another stage of growth is taking place. The toddler is discovering the world around him, as he wants to touch, feel, and take part in everything he sees. He is an inquisitive two year old private eye, investigating everything. This is normal behavior for his age: punishing him is entirely out of place and will only frustrate him. That doesn’t mean that you should do nothing at all. What’s needed here is distraction and firm but gentle steering in another direction. If your explorer discovers a “forbidden” object, one good way to satisfy his curiousity is to sit down with him and let him touch, feel, and even hold it himself. Show him how the electric hair dryer works, and explain in simple language, with lots of gestures, that we must be careful because it can be dangerous, break or come apart. Give him plenty of time to explore it with your guidance. Then change the subject, distract him, and put the forbidden article away – out of sight or reach.

As young child gets older, discipline becomes even more of a challenge. Children will keep pressuring you, testing the limits, on into their teens. If they know that you are and always have been firm and consistent and loving, and that you trust them, it will be easier. As you set limits for your older child you may find that at times he may be really angry with you, but he’ll get over it soon as long as he knows that you really love him. Show him you love him by your actions, even when you have to say “no”. As Dr Ross Campbell reminds us: “The first fact we must understand in order to have a well-disciplined child is that making a child feel loves is the most important part of good discipline.” Whatever happens, remember that each child is an individual, and you can’t have hard and fast rules that will be appropriate for all children. In this matter of discipline, what works for one child or one family may not work for another. Decide what works for your family. If you have the intimate understanding of your little one that the breastfeeding relationship fosters, and if you are clear in your mind about the real nature of discipline, you can safely follow your own instincts as parents. Its not our job as parents simply to take care of our children, but to help them learn how to take care of themselves….

Before I begin, I want to apologise that I do not have a successful VBAC story to tell. I even wondered if I should even bother publishing Hafsa’s birth story, or keep it in my personal journal for my own memories only. Cos I don’t think there will be anything in this story that will inspire. I would have liked to have a successful VBAC story to motivate the girlfriends I know who had a cesarean; to show you that it can be done, you can have a vaginal birth. And a natural birth too at that, without medical intervention. Unfortunately, a VBAC was not my rezeki, for reasons only He will know. But many others have done it, and you can too, inshaAllah, with adequate preparation, conviction, and of course supportive labour companions and medical care providers. So please, if you’re thinking about it, I hope my story will not make you change your mind. Every labour is different, every mother tolerates/copes with labour differently, and every mother makes decisions during her labour for her own unique reasons, depending on her unique circumstances. Like I mentioned in my last post, I’d do this all over again ie go through the trial of labour, even if hindsight showed me it would end in a cesarean in the end. Many mothers have done it, but it was just not meant for me, not for this birth at least. And I redha inshaAllah, I redha. So here goes..

Friday: I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions every day for the past week, so when I felt tightenings on Friday afternoon I didn’t pay them much attention. I thought it was just fatigue. I was 2 days past my EDD and had been out all day with Umar. We went to see my gynae Dr Joycelyn Wong, where I was told that baby is still active with plenty of amniotic fluid to keep her comfy for at least another week. Dr Wong agreed we can wait, and there was no talk of a repeat cesarean. To celebrate, I took Umar out for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon watching him play with other children at Jacob Ballas. While Umar splashed about in the water play area, I felt mild surges (I prefer to use this word vs contractions) but ignored them. I even managed to enjoy a cup of chocolate ice cream, feeling really pleased and positive about “the wait”. “She needed a little more time. that’s all,” I assured myself.

Umar playing at Jacob Ballas, while I had my first surges, signalling Adik's coming...

That evening, I dragged myself to attend our fortnightly halaqah, leaving Umar at home. It was nice to spend some quiet time with my sisters, two of whom were pregnant too. We talked about motherhood and labour, among other things. In between our chat, my surges were unmistakable and I started to wonder if labour was beginning. Some of the sisters saw my discomfort but I just dismissed their concern, giving the excuse that I was tired. Hubby picked me up after the session, and once home, I realised that my surges were starting to get more regular, about one every 12mins. Though excited, experience taught us to rest in early stage labour, so we managed to get some sleep that night, but I held hubby’s hands all night and squeezed them whenever I was woken up by a surge.

Saturday: I notified my doula that morning, saying I *think* I am in early stage labour. By this time my surges were one every 10mins. We decided to call off whatever plans we had for the day, as my doula had advised to try to get some rest, to save energy for active labour later. We laboured at home all of Saturday, but the surges were erratic, and never got closer than one in 10 minutes, each lasting about 30 – 45secs. That night, we hardly slept, as the surges appeared to progress to one in every 8mins. I laboured on the ball and whenever I could, lying down, determined to “conserve energy”.

Sunday: Surges continued. Again, we had plans, to attend a cousin’s engagement, but we canceled. Stayed home and tried to time the surges but it was pointless as the surges were erratic and came once every 8 or 10 mins, with varying intensity. By evening, I was losing confidence, not sure I could last another night. It was getting tiring having to cope with the surges, seemingly with no end in sight. I started to doubt if I was really in labour, after 2 nights and 2 days of erratic surges. I confided my insecurities in my doula, who told me that what I was experiencing sounds very much like prodromal labour. We quickly googled it and found the description very much fit what I was experiencing. We read that prodromal labor contractions may begin hours or even days before active labor, and surprisingly, that didn’t make me feel nervous or defeated. I felt immediately calmed; it was reassuring to have a name, and an explanation, given to this long, slow labour. I read some prodromal labour birth stories and it was good to know that there are other mothers who have gone through this type of labour and had a successful natural birth in the end. So I just told myself to be patient, it could be days still. I’ve waited 10 months, and laboured 2 nights. So what’s a few more days. “She needed a little more time. that’s all,” I assured myself. That seemed to be my mantra for the entire labour.

The surges continued that Sunday night. By this time I knew they were doing important work. See what childbirthsolutions.com says about prodromal labour (by the way, this page also provides a good overview of what happens during an intervention-free birth). Reading it told me that the surges were helping the cervix prepare for labour, and reassured me that it is normal to “feel let down and eventually become quite tired and discouraged… as time goes on and the contractions continue without any apparent progress”. It also reminded me to “keep your spirits up… use these contractions to get to know how your body feels as it begins the hard work of labor.. and prepare mentally for the challenges you will shortly be facing.” This reassurance helped me get through that Sunday night.

Monday: The morning came, and D and I had been up almost all night. By this morning the surges were getting more intense, and I had to focus and breathe each one down using the visualisation techniques that Hypnobirthing taught me. I had managed to stay calm and relaxed all these while but cos D had to go to the office for a couple of hours that Monday morning I got really upset, losing confidence, for how would I cope without him? I could call my doula, but it wouldn’t be the same. D was my rock, and having him around made me feel like I could get through anything. My surges were still once every 8 mins and although D offered to take me to the hospital (which would be a great excuse for him not to go to the office) I refused, knowing I would be dilated less than 4cm if I went to the hospital then. I knew that as a VBAC mother, they wouldn’t let me go home once they saw that I was in labour, so no, going to the hospital was not an option for me. It was too early. D went to work, and lo and behold my labour stalled, such was how closely my emotional state affected my labour. I had one surge every half hour, and then I had a nervous breakdown. I called my mom and bawled my heart out on the phone (at the same time refusing any suggestion to go to the hospital). I then calmed myself down, telling myself I need to focus on my birthing body and think positive thoughts, and that my baby would be affected if I was emotionally distressed. I also did some prayers, and read the Quran. These helped, and after a short nap, the surges returned, just as D came back from the office around noon, and we continued labouring. By afternoon I was done “waiting”. I wanted to “work” on the surges cos I was starting to get very impatient. My doula said to follow what my body tells me to do, so I told D I felt like walking, and we went out. I had to pause every now and them to breathe down a surge. After an hour, we went back home and by that evening I had more regular surges, once every 6 – 8 mins. I felt celebratory, and sms-ed my doula to be on “standby” mode, in case we needed her to come during the night. That whole night we laboured, with my surges coming once every 5 – 6 mins.

Tuesday: By 4am, we were both exhausted and since my surges were by then 3 – 4 mins apart, I called my doula to come over. When she arrived, she took over while D got some sleep. She was a God-sent angel, helping me cope with my surges by applying counter-pressure and massaging my lower back. She made me have a good breakfast, and then encouraged me to do lunges, squats, and hip rotations on the birth ball. These worked great in progressing my labour, and by 2pm my surges were very intense, lasting 60 – 90 secs, and one every 3 mins, like clockwork. I remember thinking about Maryam at this point, how she was active during her labour, walking about and shaking the tree from which dates fell and she ate them for energy. During one of our pre-birth meetings, my doula had reminded me that we can draw lesson from this. This image in my head calmed me and kept me going with the lunges and squats, in spite of being very sleep deprived. With the surges coming close together, D suggested going to the hospital but I was very hesitant. I felt really comfortable and secure in my birthing environment (my cosy bedroom had dim lights and was lemongrass scented, with my Macbook softly playing Ghamidi recitations of the Quran in the background, and all my other favourite things around me). I didn’t want to move, or go anywhere, fearing any change may stall my labour. Just the thought of the hospital made me hyperventilate during a surge, and so I knew I wasn’t ready. I told hubby lets wait an hour more, and in that hour I did zuhur and istikharah. I had surges during my sujud (which is an excellent position for labour IMO) and I used that moment to really du’a for guidance and help. Guidance in our decision-making during this labour process, and help should I face any difficulties later. Last of all, I prayed for protection, protection from any harm, to me, and my baby. At 3pm, my heart finally felt ease to leave for the hospital. I had one condition for my doula and D, and that is, if my labour stalled when I reach the hospital, we would turn back and go home, without seeing the doctor. D agreed and we took a long slow drive, even driving through McD at East Coast for some takeaway. My surges kept coming, and were in fact intensified by the car ride. I scolded my usually careful driver husband many times for driving too “bumpily”. I’m sure that wasn’t the case, cos my doula quickly reassured him that this was a common complaint by women in labour, bless his heart.

4pm: We reached a very busy hospital. The labour wards were full and I ended up labouring standing up against the wall for almost an hour. By the time my gynae Dr Wong saw me at 5pm, VE indicated that I was 5cm dilated. Baby’s head was at station -1, partially effaced and my membranes were bulging. These were music to our ears, cos it meant that I am in active labour, no doubt about it (yes I still had doubts before that) yeay! There was no turning back now, and we hurried to get settled in the labour ward. Once we got our room and D had set up my lemongrass scent and got my Macbook playing Ghamidi, we got to “work” again. Squats, lunges, birthball. I was determined to help baby to descend and get into an optimal position, and I knew in my heart of hearts that though my progress had been encouraging, we still had a long way to go, and not much time. Most gynaes would grant VBAC cases only 6hrs of labour in the hospital but Dr Wong had earlier agreed to let me labour up till 10hrs as long as baby’s heart rate was good, as any fetal distress would be an indication of uterine scar rupture (rupture of the old c-sect wound). So, she needed me strapped on to the CTG for 20mins every hour to monitor this. I agreed, and in between, we continued with our lunges and squats.

6pm: By this time my surges were very intense, one every 2 mins, I had a minute of rest in between each surge and I used that time to do lunges holding D’s hands. As long as I stayed calm and confident, the surges didn’t hurt. It was a lot of pressure, but not pain. Breathing helped me relax, with counterpressure massages from my doula, and verbal prompts from D. I have to say now, that D was the most amazing birth partner. He was my rock and the only thing that got me through the surges at times. His whispered words of encouragement, kissed, hugged, and at times, held my entire body weight through an entire surge, God bless him.

8.30pm: It was time for our 3rd round of CTG monitoring. By this time I was starting to have trouble finding a position that suited me during a surge. I was feeling a lot of pressure and hence my most hated labour position was lying down. It totally went against what my body wanted to do during a surge, which was to half squat, or “waltz” with D ie standing and swaying hips during a surge. So I resented the need to lie down for the CTG. But it had to be done. During this session, the nurse detected fetal heart rate deceleration (in layman’s terms, baby’s heart rate dropped during a surge). Concerned, the nurse thought that it could be a sign that I was ready to push, and so she offered a VE. The crushing news; I was told that I was still only 5cm dilated.

9pm: I was given an oxygen mask, to help get more oxygen to the baby, and I caught the look of worry on D’s face as he held the mask on my face and looked at the fetal heart rate monitor. Dr Wong voiced concerned that baby may be in fetal distress due to a possibility of uterine scar rupture, that infamous reason for a repeat cesarean. Yes I was disappointed that I was still just 5cm, but as talks of cesarean started to surface, I felt angry. In between surges I reassured Dr Wong that no, I do not feel any pain on my c-sect wound and therefore I told her in no uncertain terms that I do not think my scar is rupturing. I argued that baby’s heart rate was probably dropping cos I have been strapped on for almost half an hour and I cannot cope with the surges well lying down. I told her if she lets me labour in a position I was comfortable in, baby would be fine again. Dr Wong relented, I got off the bed, and she continued to monitor baby’s heartbeat using a cordless doppler, every 15mins, in whatever position I was in during a surge. Alhamdulillah, baby’s heart rate improved and there was no more talk of c-sect. We continued working on the labour; I immediately got busy with my lunges and squats again. I was really annoyed for having “wasted time” being strapped on the CTG.

11pm: By this time, I was losing gushes of fluids during each surge. Surges were coming fast, with barely a minute rest in between. There was so much pressure down there that I grunted and cried out His name with each surge. It felt surreal to me, cos with my first birth with Umar I never got to this stage. The pressure was so overwhelming that at some point, I asked my doula if she thinks I was ready to bear down. She gave me the option of just following my body, or request for a VE so that I know how far along I am, if really I was ready to push. A nurse poked her head in, and hearing my grunts she asked if I wanted a VE, and so I agreed, for some reason that till today I do not know. I remember turning to my doula asking “Am I making the right decision?” and her answer was if my heart feels so, yes. It turned out later that it was this VE that led to my decision for a cesarean.

11.30pm: The VE indicated that I was still 5cm dilated, and the nurse’s glove was covered in green meconium. I slowly felt my VBAC slipping away. I started hyperventilating, unable to breathe down the surges that were still coming fast and furious. My mind was racing with questions. How could I still be 5cm if my surges were already so close together? My surges were almost on top of each other; one starting before the first could end. So how could it be! What did green coloured meconium mean? Is my baby in danger? Dr Wong came in, did another VE (cos I did not believe the nurse) and confirmed I was still 5cm. Again talks of cesarean surfaced. She said she was comfortable with me labouring for as long as I wanted but there had been no progress for the past 6 hours and she’s concerned about waiting longer, especially with the meconium. D told her to give us time to think over the decision, and she left the room, giving us space. I was offered the gas, which I took, in an effort to calm myself down and give me room to think. The gas helped take the edge off the surges, and in between, I asked D what he thought. He did not answer, instead telling me to focus on my breathing.

I knew then, that it was up to me. My doula suggested visualisation exercises, and so I closed my eyes and silently prayed and talked to my baby through each surge. I asked my baby why she hasn’t descended further down my birth canal, why she is taking so long, and if she needed more time. I felt great unease as I had this silent conversation with her, and for some reason, my heart said no, she didn’t need more time, not anymore. The image of the nurse’s glove covered in meconium kept flashing throught my mind and when I next opened my eyes, I told D and my doula, please call Dr Wong, tell her we are doing the surgery, now. I was also losing focus, and could not cope with my surges anymore. Through my gas mask, I saw both their faces stare at me, and D continued asking me to breathe deeply, as another surge came on. I thought they didn’t hear me so I took the mask off (it wasn’t much use anyway) and repeated myself. They later told me that its not that they did not hear me, but they were not sure if I was serious, given how much I wanted a VBAC. I remember telling them “I know you guys think I can do this, I know you think that we should try a few more hours, but I don’t want to anymore. I’m still only 5cm after all these time. Now I’m worried about baby and can’t cope with the surges. We must do the cesarean now. I am not emotional about this decision because I think its the right thing to do.” I said the last sentence cos compared to my labour with Umar, I was then crying buckets when I agreed to the cesarean, completely upset, and even hyperventilating. This time, I was calm about my decision, even eager to get to the operating theatre. It just felt.. hmm.. like it has been decided for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but at that time I felt absolute certainty in my heart that He knows I have tried my best to bring my child into this world through natural means, but for some reason which only He will know, its not possible, and He has decided for me that my baby would be birthed by cesarean. I felt absolute certainty that He had something to teach me through this labour journey, and that the last 4 days of labour had not been in vain. My baby needed that 4 days, and that now, with the meconium, she needed help to come out.

Wednesday 12mn: So it was decided. Dr Wong came in, ready to launch into another persuading argument, but she did not have to, as we told her our decision. I was wheeled into the operating theatre, still breathing down surges every half a minute. Administrating the epidural was probably the most difficult part of my entire labour, cos of how close the surges were. Once I was prepped for the surgery, my husband joined me by my side, and held my hands. That was my last memory.

12.48am: Hafsa was born. I do not have any memories of her birth, although I was awake. Maybe the epidural or some drug I was given had an amnesic effect on me, cos I have holes in my memory of this cesarean birth (unlike with Umar, I remembered every second of his birth). D told me I was conscious and talking, and even held Hafsa after her birth. I have a fuzzy memory of this, but there are photographs to prove it! But when D described the circumstances of her birth, I realised that my amnesia could also have been a psychological defense mechanism, or in other words, He had chosen for me not to be “awake” to hear Dr Wong give cry of alarm when Hafsa came out covered in thick green meconium, nor witness the tracheal suctioning that they did on Hafsa immediately after, to clear her airways. Since the minute I decided to have the cesarean, I had been worried sick about her being born with breathing difficulties due to meconium aspiration, as I have read about what they do with meconium babies at the hospital. So to me, it was a hikmah, or blessing, that I don’t remember her birth. And I don’t resent it. I’ve heard about how some cesarean mothers do not feel connected to their babies cos they did not feel nor see their babies leave their body, but alhamdulillah, I have no such issues, cos when I next held her in my arms in the ward, I was just so completely overwhelmed with emotion, because she’s mine, she’s mine. I know she’s mine. I remember feeling just so grateful she was safe and very healthy. And so absolutely perfect.

A teary Ayah saying the Adhzaan into baby Hafsa's ears after her birth

The birth did not turn out the way I planned it; I did not get the normal, natural birth that I wanted, but He is the best of Planners and He has chosen how and and when I would deliver my baby. I am so grateful to Him for the labour experience with Hafsa, which was so different, and went far beyond what I experienced with Umar. I had those extra days of labour, for Him to do whatever He needed to do to perfect His creation, and He allowed me to experience active labour without any pain relief. He blessed me with a wonderful labour companion, my doula Hanani, who gave me confidence, warmth and love during my labour and helped me to remain calm through everything that happened. He also blessed me with my amazing husband, who supported me in every decision, was patient with all my tantrums and mood swings and weird demands, and who assured me that it was okay to get the cesarean, that he trusted and loved me forever no matter what. I feel blessed that we had this experience together. I’m also grateful for my gynae Dr Joycelyn Wong, who was respectful of my wishes, and willing to work with me on all of my requests. Last of all I am grateful that Hafsa is so healthy, adorable, nursing well, gaining weight, sleeping well and that she didn’t have any breathing difficulties or need to spend any time in the hospital (we were discharged on her second day of life) despite having passed thick meconium in labour. I was told by my Dr Wong later that had she known that Hafsa had passed that much meconium, of that thick a consistency, she would have rushed me into the operating theatre no matter what I said. So alhamdulillah, my decision for a cesarean was a Guided one, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

So I am now a mother who have had 2 cesareans. I don’t know if I will be able to try for a vaginal birth for my 3rd child, should He bless me with one, but immediately after Hafsa’s birth, my first priority was to recover quickly and be there for my children. I will write another day about how I recovered from this birth physically (I have had a quick recovery and have lots to share with other csect mothers) but emotionally I can say now that it was not easy. I loved labouring for Hafsa, and I feel strongly that her labour was Allah’s gift to me, for it was so very humbling and menginsafkan, in ways that words cannot describe. But I still mourned the loss of the dream of a natural birth. I mourned not being able to feel the joy of pushing out my baby, of grasping my warm, wet baby to my chest in ecstasy at the moment of birth, of bringing her to the breast shortly after. I mourned the fact that my body has been put through two major abdominal surgeries, and that no matter what, these surgeries have increased the health risk to me and my future pregnancies. I know I should be grateful for my two healthy children, and I AM. But still, this is a loss for me, and it is one that I needed to mourn.

Today, two weeks later, looking at my two beautiful children nursing together, I am again reminded of the overwhelming rezeki that He has blessed me and my family with. So I decided, I have mourned and grieved enough. It still hurts, but alhamdulillah, He has eased for me to feel complete redha, or acceptance, in my heart, for what has happened. Today, I finally sat down and wrote this story, though unsure if it will teach anyone anything. For it didn’t end the way I wish it ended, not just for myself, but for you, Sis Liana, Zakiah, Alia, Zaheedah, and many other mothers, who I know were looking forward to a birth story that would motivate you to have vaginal birth for your next child inshaAllah. So please, I say again, please, don’t let my story make you change your mind. Birth is a funny thing, one of the mysteries of the human body that science have not, and probably will never completely figure out. No doctor could tell me when my baby would come, overdue as she was, and no doctor can tell me why I wasn’t dilated past 5cm (for both my births) even though all other signs indicated I was far along in labour with Hafsa. No one can tell me what if I had waited an hour, or a day more, would my labour progress? There are many unanswered questions, but inshaAllah, He has His reasons for everything, and the most important thing is to usaha, or try your best. Trust your body, trust Him, seek His knowledge, and be as prepared as you can, to usaha and fight for that vaginal birth, for if you don’t, you’ll never know, and will always wonder, what if, what if. For me, having a doula also stretched the “usaha” factor that bit more, cos I don’t think I would have lasted as long as I did without Hanani. I loved how I was empowered to make informed decisions, and that by His Grace, my labour was free of interventions all the way till I was on the operating table. In the end, although it wasn’t my rezeki to birth naturally, I was blessed with such a beautiful experience, that I’d do it all over again, maybe not tomorrow, but I will, I will inshaAllah. It may not be the perfect labor but it’s mine. And I am grateful for it.

Doula’s note: I have been asked by our dear N to contribute an account of her birth through my eyes. She has summarised her birth story well, and there is really nothing much to add other than the fact that I am still amazed to this day at her tenacity, strongwill and perseverance. Most importantly she wrote of how empowered she felt about the decisions she made. As a doula, I feel proud that she feels this way for that really is what labouring and birth is all about.

Was it a waste, labouring for days and not getting a natural birth? 100% not. Its not the outcome but really the process/journey that matters, and Im not saying this because I’m a doula. Imagine training for a marathon, you can have all the training and preparation in the world, but whether you complete the marathon is subjected to many other external variables on the day itself (eg: weather, health etc). But would you say the training has been nothing but a waste? No, because ‘training’ does long-term wonders to the physical, mental and spiritual state. And when applied to birth, it has exactly these same effects. I will not dwell on what they are because dear N has done this in her previous posts, and I’m sure you get the idea.

Now on to the more technical aspects (knowledge within my capacity as a fairly new doula): N’s labour started on the slow side, and the three of us (N, hubby and me) got her into helpful labour positions to get them going. She understood that irregular contractions could be due to baby’s poor position, so she diligently did her lunges and other positions with regular rest breaks in between. At some point on the 4th day of labour, her surges picked up in intensity and duration, and became more regular. It was all good news. At the hospital, her surges continued to progress and reached a point where she started making ‘grunting’ noises that sometimes signified the point of pushing/bearing down. After 4 days of labour with good progress towards the end, all of us, including her gynae were convinced that she has finally reached the 2nd stage of labour (pushing). Now as to why she was still 5cm dilated after all the intense labouring remains something that only the Almighty knows. As a doula (or her gynae), we can make several guesses (pelvic shape for instance), but sometimes things can just happen without having a plausible explanation. And as Muslims, we know that when Allah wills for something to happen that is beyond our understanding, we have faith that there’s surely a blessing in disguise.

I am happy that N has put together this wonderful account of her birth story. I do feel that she has not given herself enough praise and commendation for her hard work; after all I’m sure not a lot us can stay strong when put through the same test. And simply because of this, I hope you, dear Sis, will continue to be a source of inspiration to many mothers who will be attempting a VBAC in the future, InsyaAllah.

Everyone, meet Hafsa, our precious daughter, another huge (metaphorically and also ehem, 3.56kg worth) Gift from Him. May she emulate the wise and pious qualities of her namesake, Saiyiditina Hafsa; Mothers of Believers, the wife of Prophet Muhammad (saw), the daughter of Umar ibn Khattab, and the guardian and Precious Charge of the Qur'an during its compilation. Ameen!

Oh it seems not too long ago that I wrote this post to introduce everyone to ‘Umar. Time flies, and now, we are four, subhanAllah. Today, we’re on day 5 of welcoming little Hafsa into our lives, after what seemed like a really long wait. At the 41st week of my pregnancy, I had a long prodromal labour, all of 4 nights and 4 days, and after what seemed like an endless wait, in the end she was born at a time chosen by Him, by means deemed best Him, for reasons I believe will be Known only by Him. I will post up Hafsa’s birth story a little later, but in summary, after an oh so long labour, I had a cesarean delivery due to failure to progress and presence of thick meconium during labour. It was a simple decision in the end, but alhamdulillah one that I am very redha about, cos while I did not get the VBAC that we worked and prayed so hard for, it was a beautiful labour and birthing experience, one with many lessons, for me, D, and our birth companion/doula Hanani. It was far different from my labour with Umar, which I believe was just a preparation for this labour experience with Hafsa. It was trying, yet so very beautiful, with many moments that were just truly humbling. Truly humbling, it still brings tears when I think about those 4 nights, 4 days. And yes, I would do it again, maybe not tomorrow, but hopefully one day inshaAllah, if He chooses to bless me with another opportunity.

The days following Hafsa’s birth has been smooth logistically, while emotionally and spiritually, very reflective. I’m loving being a new mother to two very healthy children alhamdulillah, and am taking it a day at a time. I’ve been back home since she was 2 days old and so far alhamdulillah I’m recovering well. Surgery stitches hurt of course, especially when caring for a newborn with a toddler jumping up and down the bed (Umar’s really good at making me nervous cos he so loves to wrestle me!). But inshaAllah I hope that this pain and the long labour that I experienced serves nothing less but as an expiation of my many many sins. It has been challenging but there is much to be thankful for, and every day He will remind me in one way or another, motivating me to keep going, and I’m so grateful for these reminders. For eg, one is how breastfeeding and tandem feeding is going beautifully for me, such is the rezeki that He has blessed my children with. This is all I can think about; how very very blessed I am, how very blessed we are. A normal, natural and uncomplicated birth perhaps isn’t one of the rezeki that He has written down for me, but I won’t let that deny the countless other blessings that He has showered us with, not least the gift of being parents to Umar and Hafsa. They are beautiful masyaAllah, and we pray will grow up with beautiful Iman too inshaAllah, and be the comfort of our eyes and a blessing to the Ummah like their namesakes. May He guide us to make good this amanah of being parents… Ameen ya Rabb!

Whosoever is in the heavens and on earth begs of Him (its needs from Him). Every day He has a matter to bring forth (such as giving honour to some, disgrace to some, life to some, death to some. Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you deny?
(Al Quran – Ar-Rahman 55:29-30)

Since I was in denial of my pregnancy, I kept nursing Umar and trusted my body to tell me if it was ok or wasn’t. I was half-hoping he’d lose interest (since milk supply dropped drastically, the first telltale sign that I was pregnant, and I read the taste of milk changes during pregnancy). But he didn’t, and continued asking for feeds especially before going to sleep. I didn’t really start worrying until I met some naysayers. These were women, mostly older women, who felt it fit to tell me that one should NEVER breastfeed while pregnant, as it WILL lead to a miscarriage. I was offered scare stories of other women losing their babies, and I was told (yes told) that Umar doesn’t need my milk anymore, so let him cry and don’t “manja” him. Nevermind that these women did not know me well in the first place I know they are well meaning but… oh well.

Anyway, once again, like everything else in my parenting journey, insecurity motivated me to seek His knowledge, and I read up extensively to make an informed and Guided decision instead of just going along with my mother’s instinct. It also helped that I was going through my training as a breastfeeding counselor during this period, and had easy access to resources as well as support from more senior and informed counselors. Alhamdulillah, I found out that La Leche League International (LLLI) supports breastfeeding during pregnancy, and that currently, no specific medical guidelines exist that define in which situations it may be risky to continue breastfeeding during pregnancy. I also found that there many mothers like me out there, who wonder whether uterine contractions stimulated by breastfeeding pose a danger to the unborn baby or increase the risk of a premature birth. The Breastfeeding Answer Book, my counseling ‘bible’ states that “Although uterine contractions are experienced during breastfeeding, they are a normal part of pregnancy… Uterine contractions also occur during sexual activity, which most couples continue during pregnancy.” This LLLI article adds that “There is no documented danger to mother or fetus when mothers breastfeed through a healthy pregnancy. Unfortunately, miscarriage and premature birth do happen in a percentage of all pregnancies, whether a mother is nursing another child or not. When there are problems, it is only human to look for somewhere to place blame. All too often, breastfeeding is a handy scapegoat when things go wrong.” There is a warning however, that a woman should be more cautious about breastfeeding while pregnant if she has a history of miscarriage or pre-term labour, according to LLLI Health Advisory Council. Early signs such as strong contractions followed by bleeding is your body’s way of telling you that you should cease breastfeeding. [FYI, my own gynae was not supportive of my breastfeeding at first, citing such cases as well, but after reassuring her that I do not experience any bleeding or contractions, she was silent on the subject. To be fair, her job is to take care of the baby in my tummy, so she can't be openly supportive of such a choice if there is a chance of any risk at all to the unborn baby, to avoid any malpractice suits. So don't be surprise if your obgyn is not supportive too. As long as she respects your decision.]

So at the end of the day, I concluded that breastfeeding during pregnancy is really a mother’s personal choice. If you find yourself pregnant while still breastfeeding, you need to weigh how you feel about your nursling’s needs, and make your decision on what is best for you, your older baby, and the baby in your tummy. Personally, I found Umar’s need to nurse still very intense at 18months, and so I decided to continue breastfeeding as long as my body does not show any signs of trauma eg bleeding, and leave the safety of my fetus to Allah. I read up that Rasulullah SAW did consider prohibiting breastfeeding during pregnancy, but decided not to “I considered prohibiting Gayla (breastfeeding whilst pregnant), but I observed the Byzantines and Persians that they breastfeed their children during pregnancy and their children are not harmed.” (Sahih Muslim). This strengthened my believe that it was up to the individual to decide, armed with knowledge and also a strong awareness of our body inshaAllah. The fact that Allah has granted me strength and a healthy pregnancy that allows me to continue breastfeeding, as well as softened my heart to accept it as something that Umar still needs from me, I find my decision to do so very natural. I kept telling myself to listen to my body and heart, and seek His protection and guidance always, and I’m happy to report that after 10months and approaching my EDD, I am still nursing my not-so-little baby Umar alhamdulillah for His rezeki.

If you decide to wean your baby, read up about weaning strategies to ensure that this period is as smooth and easy for your older child as possible. You don’t want to end this beautiful relationship traumatically! It’s usually easiest to proceed gradually. The approach of “don’t offer, don’t refuse” is one that has worked for many mothers. See if you can anticipate when your child is likely to ask to nurse and offer a distraction or a healthful snack instead. Be sure you give lots of extra hugs and attention. See these FAQs for additional thoughts on weaning by LLLI.

Weaning a toddler can be hard work, so sometimes I do wonder if I’m breastfeeding Umar more because its easier to do so than not to! Some days, when I ask myself why I do this, I conclude that I don’t really have a choice. We still enjoy the nursing relationship very much, and as a working mom who travels often even during pregnancy, it was important for me to be able to go home to Umar and have our nursing reunion to make up for the days I’ve been away. I know they say you will probably feel more fatigued if you continue breastfeeding during pregnancy, but to be honest, sometimes at the end of the work day when I feel so exhausted, its a relief to be able to just lie down and have Umar quiet in my arms. I don’t have to sit up to play or read to him, or run after him playing hide and seek, cos he’s happy just nursing in my arms, poking my eyes and nose while he’s at it Its a great winding down routine for both of us at the end of the day.

Of course nursing during pregnancy isn’t without its challenges. There are nights when I am so tired from work that I just want my body to myself, and would feel soooo frustrated and uncomfortable by Umar’s need to nurse himself to sleep. That’s when hubby comes in, taking over and negotiating alternatives with a sleepy irritable toddler. I can usually sleep through the crying, and just ask D in the morning how he managed to put him to sleep. Toddlers are pretty smart; Umar usually gives up after seeing me fall asleep and he would quieten down either by hugging his Ayah real tight, or demanding to play with Ayah’s iPhone. Bless my dear husband’s heart for his patience. I know he has very little when it comes to putting Umar to sleep but he continually amazes me by trying.

For fellow mothers who do choose to continue breastfeeding during pregnancy, here are my tips and learning points:

* Get as much rest as you can, when you can. I fell sick often during my pregnancy, and I think it was cos I didn’t take good care of myself and my diet. You will need to eat adequate nutrition to support your breastfeeding relationship and support the nutritional needs of your unborn baby, so be sure to pay attention to this.

* Many women who breastfeed during pregnancy find their nipples are more tender than normal. You can try switching your baby’s position to help alleviate this discomfort. Position also becomes increasingly important as your tummy starts to grow. Umar now has a favourite position against my bulging tummy, and I find I can only nurse him lying down. So that means he’s only allowed to nurse at home, which is a rule that I have had to enforce, and he has learnt to abide.

* Many women find that their supply of breast milk decreases. That was the first telltale sign for me that I was pregnant. I couldn’t pump out much milk while I was at work, even when I was travelling and away from Umar for more than a night. You may decide to supplement at this point if you feel that baby isn’t getting enough nourishment, especially if baby is less than a year old. For Umar, I started introducing him to fresh milk since he turned 1 year, so by the time I was pregnant he was eating three full and balanced meals a day. I read up, consulted a child nutritionist and did not find a need for Umar to drink formula milk, as his weight was ok and he is a strong and healthy boy alhamdulillah.

* You will need to enlist daddy’s help a lot with your toddler, especially during bedtime, as mentioned above. Take it as training for when the new baby comes. I weaned Umar off the bottle since he turned 1 year old, right about the time when he started drinking fresh milk from a cup, to prevent any kind of dependence on bottle to go to sleep. Read up that its not good for children to drink from a bottle lying down, so we avoided this habit. So alhamdulillah by the time I got pregnant he was able to nod off by himself, most nights! On cranky nights, he would demand to be breastfed, and I’d usually oblige, as he’d quickly nod off, and won’t wake up again till morning.

Lately, Umar has shown an increased interest in breastfeeding (asking for it during the day, and waking up in the middle of the night and refusing his sports bottle of plain water, and wanting to nurse instead) and I suspect its because I’m producing colostrum now, which is probably very yummy to this big baby of mine! Oh well, looks like he’s not about to wean anytime soon! Looking at it positively, its a good way for me to bond with him these last few weeks, and will also give him lots of antibodies and vitamins hee.

I’m pretty nervous about tandem nursing so am reading up on that, plus getting support from sisters who has been there done that.. you know who you are So far I have no doubt that the body naturally produces more milk when more is demanded from it, and that inshaAllah I will be able to make enough colostrum for both Umar and adik to share even though some people may tell me otherwise. But for my own peace of mind – and to hush those around me – in the early days I’m gonna try to feed baby first before I feed Umar. I have to find ways to distract Umar or make him feel involved though, so I have put together a special box for him with his favourite toys, snacks and activities, and this shall be our breastfeeding box. That and lots of extra cuddling and attention, as I nurse the little one first, while Umar waits for his turn. If all that fails, I guess I’d have to try and cope with feeding them both. I’ve read that many moms find that it helped their toddler and new baby form a special bond; that sharing that special time, rather than being left out of it, empowered the older child. I hear the novelty also wears off after a while. The toddler just wants to know that he CAN nurse when adik is nursing, but after awhile, he will find more interesting things to do than nurse all the time. Oh I hope so! And for this reason and this reason alone I really need to have a successful VBAC so I won’t have a surgery scar in the way, inshaAllah ameen ameen!

Oh well, this is a road less traveled and I should expect many challenges. I du’a that Allah guides my decisions along the way, and if He so wills it for me to continue breastfeeding Umar, then I look forward to a rewarding and gratifying tandem feeding experience inshaAllah, and may it be a decision that is best for me and my relationship with my children, enhancing the sense of security and love that we have for them both. I’m gonna take each day as it comes, and trust my mothering instincts to guide me inshaAllah, with encouraging words from articles such as this helping me. Wish me luck!

Psstt to my little girl in there: Minggu menunggu kehadiranmu dicucuri hujan rahmah setiap hari anakku.. Stay warm and cosy in there, and come meet us when you’re ready inshaAllah